Career Change & Executive Coaching

11-year-old on the price of Monkeys:  

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display, when another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a "C" monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. "That'll be £5,000."  The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said,

"That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"  

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can programme in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money." 

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"  

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper. 

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper,"That one costs more than all the others put together!

What on earth does it do?"  

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the Management Consultant."

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Mr. Common Sense. Mr. Sense had been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. - Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; a consultant surgeon fired for helping himself to a second helping of soup; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Mr. Sense declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Finally, Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Nobody was fired for manifest embezzlement and blatant corruption. (Or if they were, they were quickly reinstated.)

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge financial settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass the word on; if not, join the majority and do nothing.

 

PS. The Map Is Not The Territory!

This Map of the London Underground proved so popular with readers that it had to moved to a new site. You'll find it here for your pleasure: http://www.geofftech.co.uk/tube/sillymaps/sponsors.pdf

PPS. These Guys Are So GooD They're Scary!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6739710473912337648

PPPS. Little person:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=1566751416966025770

Margaret Stead at Careersnet helps individuals, executives and business owners market themselves into new jobs, careers - building career currency, resilience and increasing their job satisfaction.

 

She offers personal coaching, workshops, tutorials, classes on the telephone and in one to one meetings that help people just like you get results. You can learn more about these terrific resources at www.careersnet.com and www.careersnet.co.uk 

She's appeared on radio programmes and been interviewed by the FT, Daily Telegraph, Guardian, been featured in dozens of online and print publications including CNN Global and Yahoo review of Top Careers Sites. Margaret's articles on career coaching, job hunting, outplacement and personal development are regularly published in hundreds of the best marketing sites on the Web.

Originally from York, Margaret now enjoys the sunshine in the Heart of England and doesn’t miss the tourists at all.

Christmas Greetings From Margaret And All At CareersNet!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To visit the Newsletter on Careersnet.com click here!

Are you spending too much time searching for a job and not enough time reading my enewsletter? First subscribe to me enewsletter (see top line) the use Bloglines to add a personalized job search feed from Simply Hired. Click the Add link at the top of your feed list and then select the Jobs link. If you aren’t job hunting, subscribe to www.simplyfired.com for some great stories like the guy who got fired for eating pizza out of the break room fridge. As the slogan says “If you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.”

One of one of favourite jokes:

Juan the Smuggler

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. A guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analysed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, lifts them onto the man's shoulders and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events repeats every day for three years. Then one day, Juan doesn't show up. The guard meets up with him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, buddy," the guard says, "I know you're smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

"Bicycles," Juan says.

A Horoscope For The Workplace
	ASTROLOGY: tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out... MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life. TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are  instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the geeks shall inherit the Earth. ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"... ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the  majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane. HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut,  have lunch, and mail a letter! MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager." SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager." CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

Top Twelve Interview Lowlights:

1. "She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."
2. "A balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."
3. "... asked to see interviewer's CV to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."
4. "Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."
5. "Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."
6. "When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."
7. "At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, he went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."
8. "... pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."
9. "Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."
10. "During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."
11. "A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more. "I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."
12. "Candidate said he really didn't want to get a job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one."

Type in ‘Aspartame’ on the web and you are confronted by hundreds of articles predominantly summarising the dangers of this product. Of course there are some that are ‘Pro’ this ingredient but the overwhelming majority are ‘Anti.’

I first became curious about this ingredient after seeing a friend of mine checking the labels on bottles when we went to the pub. She had to avoid this artificial sweetener – 'Diet' or Aspartame) often found in sugar-free drinks, at all costs.

The reason being that it gave her crippling headaches, nausea, vision problems and a tightening feeling in her throat and neck .She first discovered it when she took her Dad out regularly for Sunday lunch at a particular pub, and a couple of hours after returning home she would have to go to bed. The reason - aspartame in the custard!!

We are a nation obsessed by our weight and being ‘on the large side’ can often be the result of a sugar imbalance. It is not surprising therefore that we seek out sugar-free drinks and give them to our children on the premise that they will help our weight and their teeth. The sad truth though, is that we are pumping ourselves and them full of potentially harmful chemicals. It’s not just drinks about which we should be wary. Aspartame is also found in chewing gums, mints, frozen desserts cereals and over the counter medicines.

The ‘pro Aspartame’ lobby say that you have to drink 100 cans of diet drinks to be affected. Tell that to my friend who just had a bowl of custard! They also claim that three main components of the sweetener are found in natural foods and are therefore safe. That’s a bit like saying monoxide is safe because it contains carbon and oxygen. Methanol (wood alcohol) makes up 10% of Aspartame and is highly toxic, but hang on, it’s in tomatoes and some other fruits so must be safe. Fruits also contain ethanol and pectin, antidotes which prevent methanol from being metabolised into FORMALDEHYDE! These two vital ingredients are missing from Aspartame.

So what exactly have people experienced from this delightful product? Surprisingly, weight gain ( it makes you crave carbohydrates), hair loss, eating disorders, fatigue, mental disorders, hypersensitivity , depression, headaches, dizziness, hyperactivity and the list goes on.

Patrick Holford, one of the UK’s top nutritionists sees many people in his clinics who are suffering with anxiety, insomnia and other disorders. Simply cutting diet drinks from the menu is frequently the answer to these people’s problems. Give it a try, replace yours and your children’s drinks with some water and pure fruit juices and see if it makes a difference to their health.. Cut out refined sugar and go back to other sweeteners like brown sugar, sultanas, honey and maple syrup.

Vanessa Sant Independent Distributor for Forever Living Products. World leaders in Aloe Vera and Beehive Products. 01564 785993 07906 934057 email jeff.sant@btinternet.com

Ed: By the way, all of Tesco's own brand cordials are Aspartame-free and one of Robinsons! If you think you have any of the symptoms described, particularly a craving for any 'diet' product, then check the label and give it up for 60 days. Can't give it up - Ask yourself why?

Career Change - Work Out Your Salary With Our Salary Review Calculator If you've ever thought about asking for more money, you'll know that it 'pays' to be prepared before you start any discussion about your worth. (every pun intended!)

Rather than wait until your annual career appraisal when feelings might be running high and tensions can reach 'breaking point'. You should pick a humanly good time to ask for that long-awaited salary review.

Before you have that conversation, use this highly useful link to research your potential salary review with our automatic Salary Calculator: www.careersnet.com/misc/salaryreview.pps

You'll find the second part of this issue of Career Coach eNewsletter June 2005 on the next page >>>>>

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a British Naval ship and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call

They're Back! NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers.
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again,"
giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. 
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, The sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility ....

Pot luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

You MUST have a go at this game from Takagism in Japan.
It reminded so strongly of the frustration that my coaching
clients exhibit when they first come and see me.

http://flash.qbol.net/pl;p/youxi/images/04042203.swf

 

Don't worry I know where the release buttons are!

Bright Blessings

Margaret

OFFICE DICTIONARY...

"APPLY IN PERSON": If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE": We've filled the job; our call for CVs is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:" You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST": You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS": You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS": Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANISATION": I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE": I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES": I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK": I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE": I give lots of unsolicited personal advice.

"I AM ADAPTABLE": I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO": I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED": The minute I find a better job, I'm outta here.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY": We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY": We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE": We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED": You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED": Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY": Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL": We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED": Female applicants must be childless (and better remain that way).

 

Add your own examples of the 'office dictionary' by clicking on 'COMMENTS'.

(You don't have to leave your name you can be anonymouse)

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a toilet cleaner. The manager there arranges for an aptitude tt (Section: Floors, sweeping offices) After the test, the manager says: You will be paid £40 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and advise you where toreport for work on your first day.

Taken aback, the unemployed man protests that he is neither in possession of a computer nor of an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies: Well, then, that really means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and only having about £10 he decides to buy a 10lb. box of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells the tomatoes singly at 100% profit.

Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost £100 before going to sleep that night. And thus it dawns on the man that he could quite easily make a-living selling tomatoes.

Getting up earlier and earlier every day and going to bed later and later, he multiplies his hoard of profits in quite a short time.

Not too long thereafter, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again shortly afterwards on a pick-up truck. By the end of the first year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of several hundred former unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.

Considering the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Calling an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order that he might forward the documentation.

When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned: What, you don't even have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would have been by now, if you had been connected from the very start!

After a moment's silence, the tomato millionaire replied: Sure! I would have been a toilet cleaner at Microsoft!

Morals of the story:
The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.
Get an e-mail, if you want to be a toilet cleaner at Microsoft.
If you don't have e-mail, but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.
Seeing that you got this story via the internet, you're probably
closer to becoming a toilet cleaner than you are to becoming a millionaire.
If you do have a computer and e-mail, you're probably already being taken to the cleaners by Microsoft. (only kidding!)

1.         Being in love

2.         Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3.         A hot shower.

4.         No queues at the supermarket.

5.         Taking a drive on a pretty road.

6.         Hearing your favourite song on the radio.

7.         Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

8.         Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

9.         Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)

10.       A bubble bath.

11.       Giggling.

12.       A good conversation.

13.       Finding a £20 note in your coat from last winter.

14.       Running through sprinklers.

15.       Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

16.       Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.

17.       Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

18.       Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to sleep.

19.       Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

20.       Having someone play with your hair.

21.       Sweet dreams.

22.       Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

23.       Holding hands with someone you care about.

24.       Running into an old friend and realising that some things (good or bad) never change.

25.       Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a much-desired present from you.

26.       Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

27.       Knowing that somebody misses you.

28.       Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.

29.       Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other people think.